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Day two of 29

I turned 29 on Friday. I have pledged to meditate more, for longer, more consistently, with more directed focus, and with more clarity for the past few milestones I can remember. A few January firsts, a few birthdays, etc. I am in the last year of my twenties. I assumed that over ten years ago, I would have gone well beyond where I am now, but I assumed a lot of things when I was 17, 18, and 19. I can only project that I might become more realistic in my expectations over the next decade. The past ten years have held, between a decade's nebulous bookends, a heft of tumult and danger. An identity that itched like razored steel wool has been shed, but I got all kinds of fucked up from wearing it and even from the act of taking it off. 

I have had an immense amount of good fortune come my way, and when compared to my former habits and relationships, I feel like I've seen through the eyes of an evil twin for most of my life and I now have the most beautiful wife I could ever imagine, and aesthetic strengths aside, we fold into each other and make an exact fit in every way I could ever think possible. Even when we're fighting, I can't help but feel that it's better than even the best days between myself and my ex-wife. 

My life has taken a seismic shift from what it once was, and I want to spend each day acknowledging how thankful I am for what I am lucky to have. A life of negativity and substance abuse have carved furrows in my mind and patterns of thought. This has wrought negativity in a full-force bursting forth of hungry, acrid, toxic goo that eats through flesh and metal and wood and glass. So I'm trying to dig on some neuroplasticity and reroute some streams, dam some things shut, and open the gates for a flood or a trickle of a more fruitful path.

I got 20 minutes in today before the wife and I went out for some Sunday errands. I noticed that my threshold for irritation and upset was changed in such a way that when I was met with negativity from others or in something I conjured by myself, I was able to let it roll off of me with a bit more ease. I was still affected to some degree, but with less rigidity. 

I'm reminded of my professor from last semester, who also happens to be a tai chi instructor. He said that a brick wall is thought of to be very strong, and a linen sheet is thought of to be very weak. In some sense this is true, but consider a large boulder being thrown at the two. The boulder hits the brick wall, it crashes through, the bricks crumble, and the wall is destroyed. On the other hand, a hanging sheet reacts differently to the same boulder hurled with the same force. It gives, and accepts, and it follows. The boulder continues its path, but the sheet flows back to where it originally hung, largely unaffected. His point was that tai chi is a mode of accessing one's ability to relax rigidity and accept things as they come. I have never done tai chi, but I feel meditation can give similar results. If you're already loose, meditation can be like a scented dryer sheet to give you a little bounce. I'm a bit more like a brick wall at this point. Gotta keep on.

Posted: 5 years ago


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