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These days

My meditation practice had gone downhill and become almost non-existent for a while, months, as things got busy. With the recent death of my father, I got a chance to do a hard re-set on my habits, as I was gone from home for almost three weeks. When I returned, I knew that the work of healing was going to require most mental, physical, and emotional capacity than I had, so I vowed to eat well, move mindfully, and meditate regularly.

Things have been interesting. From 5 minute-intervals, I moved to 20, and have taken advantage of any chance to meditate in a group, as I seem to benefit from this. There is a group at work that meets each week for 20 minutes, there are alumni sessions offered about monthly be the mindfulness course that I attended a few years ago, and there are multiple opportunities each week with the zen community. 

All the different scenarios have a different feel to them, and I seem to meditate "best" my myself in nature or with the zen group, though the formality of the group can sometimes cause a little anxiety. Though I know that the point is not to think about a bunch of things, I find myself working through some of my thoughts and feelings about my dad's death. This can be very good to puzzle out what is bothering me and what I am feeling. However, sometimes it give me the time to over-analyze, to feel that I have to identify and label all of my feelings, analyze whether they are healthy or right, what I should perhaps be feeling... I am trying to simply feel my feelings and let them be there, let them out. This also leads to the problem of going to a meditation group-- crying. I would rather not do this in a group because I don't want to call attention to myself. But I am trying to know that if it happens, it happens. And it has happened. I don't want that to stop my from attending the groups or make me anxious about it.

I feel that I am getting better at having a middle way between the mind and the watcher. In the past, I have found myself drifting off into thinking about the past/future/hypothetical for long periods of time without being conscious of it. Then short flashes of "oh yeah, I'm supposed to be meditating" and then back to thinking. These days I think I am much better able to keep a sense of being in the room at the same time as witnessing thoughts that come. 

I am excited because I have arranged another personal retreat in a couple of weeks. I will be gone two nights, so one full day and two sort of half days at beginning and end. I am excited to see what new growth this will bring.


Posted: 3 years ago

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