All public journal entries by tesselation

us both fully that will bring about the next chapter. and hoepfully that can at least be friendship. but i lov e myself enough to not stoop and beg and cry and love him enough to not torture him by constantly asking for him to show up in a way he doesnt understadm- spiritually, sexually, as a friend- and that is okay. hes been cool and a great support and friend but it also doesnt mean you should feel guilty about loving youself fully and seeing where taht takes you. Love love love trust trust trust honoring myself honoring myself honoring myueslf fill me and i thank you
thank you for life
for love
for beautiful psycdelic essence pulsing through me
last night i read a lot about dmt and then had to mediatate and felt out of this world, this mpr ing a bit too. very psycedelic feeling- which is life all the time. fill me as you are with love, give me strengh and power with kindess and gentleness.

THank you thank you thank you

Posted: 6 years ago

Comment on this entry

What i realized is that when you enter the heart cave ( as ram dass put it and I understand so much better now) the love that is always dwelling there is the love for your/self. in "Meditation for the Love of it"shespeaks of feelingyour heart space and paying intense attention to the feeling that comes to you when you mediatate- or need to! I too have the panging of the heart that she desribed and wasnt giving it full acknowledgement. I feel it in my heart when I need to go in- taht is my own love calling out to me- my/self calling back to me and tenderly asking for a real relationship. Asking to know "her" to love "her"- so that within becomes without. Asking, yes, for you to sacrifice your time sometimes, and to be a little self/less...ironic, isn't it?
Itseems that we often shy away from going inside because our conditioned selves fear intimacy, fear love. Our higher selves are always right there ready to be embraced fully however soemthing in us wants pain- becaise we don't want to make ourselves too vulnerable and feel an even deeper pain. And this too translates to our relationship with ourself. We don't want to go inside and then let our/selves down- something is in fear of total denial of the love that you are. But the secret is that that thing is only a mindset, a mode of thinking taht you have right now.

Because you already love yourself- deeper and fuller and more beuatifully than you can even realize. Because you are love. It alwasy comes back to the same lesson in relationships- you must love yourself before you love another. We hear it all the time, but who lives it? and what does loving yourself really mean? Loving your/self...? My esoteric separation with the strike of your/self kind of shows the difference I am recognizing. You and your/self must have a loving, dynamic, ecstatic, esoterically romantic relationship. It is the primary focus and is truly what life is all about- and we are taught and conditioned to believe that is selfish to keep us further from the truth. To make us fear ourselves. To make us judge ourselves and look back as if we are self/ish- and then to hate our/selves for it.
In the end, you are waiting for you with open arms. You are all that you seek. And meditation is a call inside.
And because you are love- what you feel in your heart during meditation is a dynamic seeing through- the veeils are lifting- you are shakti- adn when you see that love, you love it- and when you love it you are in recognition of it so it grows stronger. And taht is life- every human and every animal and every plant, every thing that exists lives in what we call love...I have thought how I wish there was a better word to encapsulate that....and mayve that's how we a=started with using something like God and capitalizing it- trying our hardest to give a word the sacredity it deserves. But we can see where that went...and taht is the whole point, of course, that when you realize it, when you really get it- no word does it justice, and so many words are exchangable- yuou realize how many times you used these words devoid of any real meaning and ike a puzzle meant just for you the whole world begins to unlock....and the experience is ironically and magically the same but completely different and perfectly unique of every expression of love-life-God-Being...its a game meant just for *you* as *you* are more of a foreground placed on a ba ckground and not a cut out- you are not separetae from your immediate enviornment or every other person and thing in existance, all depending on how big or small that the witness to this choas of life is- they can see it what we call microscopic is norma and go deeper thanw e have ever imagined- or the opposite and only see us macrocomisly- all it comes back to, the whole point- is that love in your heart taht you feel is the pulse of the whole universe, a stream that flows throug every living thing and is not separate from it, and when you feel its calling that invites you to the most intiate relationship of all- the one with your/self.....managing that ego in the material plane we hav created with unconditonal love- looking outside of ourselves and endearing our weathered egos as children....listening to the love insidie that is trying to heal the world- and letting it do its work-

Posted: 8 years ago

Comment on this entry

And because you are love- what you feel in your heart during meditation is a dynamic seeing through- the veeils are lifting- you are shakti- adn when you see that love, you love it- and when you love it you are in recognition of it so it grows stronger. And taht is life- every human and every animal and every plant, every thing that exists lives in what we call love...I have thought how I wish there was a better word to encapsulate that....and mayve that's how we a=started with using something like God and capitalizing it- trying our hardest to give a word the sacredity it deserves. But we can see where that went...and taht is the whole point, of course, that when you realize it, when you really get it- no word does it justice, and so many words are exchangable- yuou realize how many times you used these words devoid of any real meaning and ike a puzzle meant just for you the whole world begins to unlock....and the experience is ironically and magically the same but completely different and perfectly unique of every expression of love-life-God-Being...its a game meant just for *you* as *you* are more of a foreground placed on a ba ckground and not a cut out- you are not separetae from your immediate enviornment or every other person and thing in existance, all depending on how big or small that the witness to this choas of life is- they can see it what we call microscopic is norma and go deeper thanw e have ever imagined- or the opposite and only see us macrocomisly- all it comes back to, the whole point- is that love in your heart taht you feel is the pulse of the whole universe, a stream that flows throug every living thing and is not separate from it, and when you feel its calling that invites you to the most intiate relationship of all- the one with your/self.....managing that ego in the material plane we hav created with unconditonal love- looking outside of ourselves and endearing our weathered egos as children....listening to the love insidie that is trying to heal the world- and letting it do its work-

Posted: 8 years ago

Comment on this entry

No matter what the mind wants you to think, your life is not your mind's judgment of life- it is not all the mental commentary, the what ifs and should have dones- the reality of everything is that THIS is your life. This is it right now, all around you to be lived. You have the choice to live it to its fullest potential, which as you know is simply to be present, for that invites the joy love and peace in your life that we all desire because it is who we are under all the pain obsession and ego. under any judgement you may have. If you really have your trust in the universe you will know you are where you are meant to be instead of listening to the mind;s judgement of it. Underneath your life situation is your life. The only thing you can possibly do to push your life forward in the direction you want is to be present now. Accept. Love. When you silence your thoughts the universe speaks the loudest, and when you quiet your judgements of the way the universe should be it truly starts to work its magic. <3

Posted: 9 years ago

Comment on this entry

It was truly awesome to be able to log 4 minutes today somewhat effortlessly. I usually do silent meditations, which I still think are powerful and neccessary, but today I intitiely went with my own active meditation of sorts. This seemed to be extra helpful because of all the added pent up energy in my life right now, it helped me to focus on my enviornment and fully immerse, instead of be in a constant beattle of the resistance of the mind- disidenitifying, havng it creep back in, trying to follow the breath- I know as ram dass said, instead of identifying with the choaic mind, identify with the one ponted one. Be gentle with yourself, and bring your attention always back to the now.

So today I put on some music from yoube, I have been listening to solfeggio frequencies and reiki/mediation music, healing music, etc.- i put on a video that was only tibetian bowls tuned to 528 hz- whichi is the love frequency. I had listened to other music tuned that way but not the bowls. At first it was kind of difficut, I reset the clock twice. once was 5 inutes in- i would shuffle, i couldnt get cofmfortable and at first i felt uncomfortable with the music. Upon listeningto other music I realized the bowls (obviously) were more pure and would take me to a more genuine spot. The tones vibartyed so deeply and I put the headopphons on. Every minute, one reverb. At first the vibrations were so strong I couldnt even hear my breath and relaxed into the soundbath before me. Soon I found yself naturally hummingto the vibartion, which was trly beautiful I felt as if I was taking the healing inside and makng a comletey ambient enviornemnt....I could feel truly at peace, lie I was in an ocean of cosmic love and light- but so very peaceful and calm. a low, permeating frequency. Soon i opened my mouth and "ahh"ed, then I realized how close I was to an "Om". My throat opening like that provided even more clarity to the expierience. I could be one with my voice but disidentify from it at teh same time. I opened my eyes to see I had made it to 2 minutes effortlessly. My body hurt by this time but I still felt in my being that i should continue, so I began intuitively doing asanas. Some I would hold for the minute, but all i would move the the next pose with intention. Every time the bowl rang agin, it plastered me back to teh now, and the joy of being.

I cant let anything take me away from that.

Why make anything into a problem? Sense the resiatnce, know it is a reactionin your body from a judgement of the mind, watch the thought. Should anything truly be done? sit back. Love.

Posted: 9 years ago

Comment on this entry

Resistance is pain, and you are not that pain. you are not that self deprecating mind, tossing and turning on itself, the snake eating its own tail. you are not that sorrow, that fear, that immese pain that comes in when we are not connecte to our true nature. you are where you are meant to be simply because you are here. your quality of coniousness at this moment determines the future. A;; the anxietites you could ever think are ahead of you will only manifest without your presence. Hoew do you insure your ppresence? by bing present now. turn off the voice in your head- that nagging voice that does absoliytely nothing for your situation except cause you pain.

Posted: 9 years ago

Comment on this entry